Come on.

Jamie Lerner is a psychotherapist and a life coach. She’s the author of the ever loving essence of you to take an integrated approach to well being. And now finally, a guest on life blood complete. Welcome, Jamie.

Jamie Lerner 0:26
Hello, thank you for inviting me excited

george grombacher 0:28
to have you on Jamie, tell us a little bit about your personal life some more about your work and why you do what you do.

Jamie Lerner 0:35
Okay, well, I’m a pleasure junkie. I’m also a anona, I have four grandchildren, I continue to reinvent myself over and over again, which I think that women can do quite easily. And I used to be a psychotherapist and I gave that up. Because I thought that maybe we could assist people in assisting themselves in looking forward instead of always looking back. So the integrative approach to well being is just that it assists people and assisting themselves from getting to where they are in this moment to where they want to be. And I love what I do. It’s some, it’s really fun, and it’s easy. And it’s very inspiring for me to watch people step into their own personal power and discovered that they can recreate their lives exactly the way that they want.

george grombacher 1:42
Well, I think that that’s awesome. I’m glad that that it’s fun and easy. White has has your work always been fun and easy has it? Have you figured out how to do it?

Jamie Lerner 2:00
I think that once we begin to look at our lives from our right here, and now that there’s a creates a sense of ease and novelty. But we are so used to believing or being in a therapeutic setting where we’re always looking back. And I think that when we’re always looking back, that we just continued to be calm stuck. It’s like being stuck in the mud and spinning our tires. And I think that that wears us down. And it doesn’t really get us to ask the most important question, which is what are we wanting for ourselves? So once we begin to look forward, and to begin to ask with a lot of loving curiosity about what we’re wanting for ourselves, based on our right here now, I think then it gets really fun and exciting.

george grombacher 2:59
Nice. So what do I want for myself based on right here and now? So not based on what I thought I wanted when I was five or not based on what my mom always wanted for me or not based on what society thinks it’s based on what I as this current iteration of myself want.

Jamie Lerner 3:19
You Yes. And I ask people, if they’re going to look back to look back from their right here, and now adult perspective. So if we have to look back, if we could do it from being the adult, that we are now instead of the small child, everyone, because I think that changes the story and the feeling and helps us feel a little bit more free.

george grombacher 3:49
Well, that certainly makes sense. And so what, what is, what is the hardest part about this? i? I don’t know what the I’m not sure what the best question to ask you is because it makes sense to me. But it must be hard. And I don’t know that I’m awesome at this. I tried to be mindful and fair with myself and to give myself grace. Where Where do people have the hardest time?

Jamie Lerner 4:24
I think people tend to argue for their limitations, and they are not used to taking personal responsibility, because our society rewards the victim. And so for so long, we have been believing and telling ourselves and everyone else the story about what happened to us back then. And it’s interesting that story gets more and more exaggerated. The longer that we’re telling it and before you know it. It’s so exaggerated that parts of it are not even true, but the part that aren’t true are the parts that don’t feel good. And it doesn’t feel good when we’re telling that story. And it doesn’t feel good to us when we’re living that story. So I think to give people permission to kind of soften the tone of that story, to rewrite a line, or a paragraph or a chapter of that story, that really is a better reflection of our right here. And now. I think that that is a good way to ask people to begin. And when you give them permission to do so I find that they take a big deep breath.

george grombacher 5:46
People argue for their limitations. What a powerful phrase that is. Our our are we justifying why we don’t? Is Is that what that is? It’s it’s, it’s it’s a justification.

Jamie Lerner 6:00
Yes, it absolutely is a justification. So it’s all the reasons why we can can’t or, or won’t, or couldn’t, or, yes, it’s all of those things. And I think it’s not even conscious. Hmm.

george grombacher 6:20
So he talked about rewriting a line or a paragraph is that just because we need to take baby steps into this, I’m a person who says, Let’s, let’s just ball the whole thing up and start over.

Jamie Lerner 6:31
For a lot of people that super scary because they have invested their whole life in this story and created their identity around it. So to begin to just do it a few words at a time or sentences or a paragraph, and maybe not even change the words but soften the tone. I think that that’s easier for people.

george grombacher 6:59
That makes sense. Yeah, as you look at the world right now, it seems like the world or popular culture is doing the opposite of what and in agree with you, I 1,000% agree that, that, that we need to take personal responsibility, and that we hold on to our limitations and use them to justify things. How are you thinking about current culture?

Jamie Lerner 7:30
I think it’s interesting. And I think that it’s really important that people understand that they have choices, they have choices about what’s going on, and how they’re going to choose to feel about it, and how they want to participate in it. And I think it all comes down to take personal responsibility. And once again, I think people forget that that’s an option. It’s like, you have to give people permission to really begin to think about they’re part how they’re participating in something that maybe doesn’t feel good to them, or that they’re not even wanting to participate, and give them an opportunity to identify something different, that feels better to them, and then how can they move forward towards them? And knowing that the only thing that we really have control over is, what we’re thinking and how we’re feeling. And we don’t have control over anything else. So how can we use the personal power of choice to make some different kinds of decisions?

george grombacher 8:43
What a powerful thing that, hey, person, you have the choice, you have the option to continue living, the narrative that you’ve always lived. Or you can create a new one, you can drop that and everything else that goes along with it, and take a new path that that I take for granted that we take for granted that everybody knows that, I think is is is very profound.

Jamie Lerner 9:19
Yes, and I think most people don’t know that they even have those options. So yeah.

george grombacher 9:27
So how do we it’s it’s like the allegory of the cave. If I’m or if I’m inside the jar, I can’t read the label kind of a thing. I’m just stuck in this stuck in this trap. So how, how do how does the light bulb turn on?

Jamie Lerner 9:48
Well, once again, the idea and possibility of choice and the idea that you could actually live a life that feels really good to you. I think that that’s appealing to people They just are get so stuck, they don’t even know where to begin or that that is even possible. So that’s where this work gets kind of fun. Because it’s kind of like endless possibilities, endless opportunities using your contrast, which is all the things that are happening that you don’t want to be happening as jumping up points to create something that you do this, and we spend so much time talking about what we don’t want. And that’s exactly what we have, what we don’t want. So if we would begin to have the conversation, just even with ourselves, about what we are wanting for ourselves, not for another, but for ourselves. It is amazing how quickly, we would start creating what we want.

george grombacher 10:58
It’s such a simple, yet absolutely profound shift.

Jamie Lerner 11:02
It is profound because it happens so fast.

george grombacher 11:09
So is it fair to say that that I think that you refer to your work as taking a very integrated approach. So here, here’s another buzzword that’s been on my mind is that it’s really a transformational change.

Jamie Lerner 11:25
Well, it’s an investment in wellbeing. And I believe that well being is our birthright.

george grombacher 11:33
Tell me more about that.

Jamie Lerner 11:35
Well, well, I think that we come into the world. And we are in a really good place and then all the contrast of life and we get further and further and further away from ourselves. And instead of tuning in the tuna and there is this internal navigation system that is always there and trying to get our attention and happiness on the shoulder and encouraging us to look within and we avoid it and we ignore it for some people forever but for other people for so long that things don’t feel good at all. And then we hit bottom and we start tuning in. And when we tune in, we realize we are our own greatest resource we have every single answer to every single question with so to begin to shift our focus from looking out to looking in something happens I think you’ll begin to feel kind of like coming home there’s a sense of relief and ease and trusting your intuition and self guidance and all of these things that have been there all along but we just have not been tuned in so well being is our birthright

george grombacher 13:16
I love it. Alright, so I make the decision because I recognize that I can make a decision that what what do I want for myself in this current moment? And is is any answer too big? How do I how do I answer that question?

Jamie Lerner 13:39
No, because you’re having this conversation with yourself and you don’t have to justify anything that you want for yourself. You really don’t so it’s a big question but what a wonderful question to start asking ourselves and moment by moment What am I wanting in this moment?

george grombacher 13:59
What about work and stuff and and responsibility and bills Jamie?

Jamie Lerner 14:04
What about I mean my god none of those things are gonna go away and it’s so interesting because I think for the most part it’s never the situation that creates the problem or anxiety it’s how we’re feeling about the situation. So you know, how can we shift to a better feeling place about paying a bill you know, it’s how can we reframe a situation about going to work where we’re going to work you know, where you can go to work and make a choice to feel really good going there by listen to podcast by drinking some coffee by returning phone calls, and end up feeling like you got their email you sent in a lot of traffic, but you were really productive. You did some things on your to do list and then you also did some things for yourself. So you end up at work feeling pretty good. Or you could go there. And you could fill your mind with how much you dislike your work, the horrible things that are gonna happen interactions or I mean, and get there and just being miserable. But either way you’re going to work from, right, so you get to choose, that’s a choice. And when you feel that you have a power of choice, and you’re not the victim of work anymore, it’s amazing. Because you’re in charge of how that’s gonna go, you get to choose it. And if you choose to go, feeling really miserable, take responsibility for it. Just be like, I know, I could do this all differently, but I’m going to sit in this car for an hour and a half, and I’m going to be miserable. And I say, that’s great, that’s super powerful. I applaud that, that you take responsibility, and you’re choosing your image, and well, and nobody’s gonna take that away from you. But don’t be like a victim to your job. That’s just ridiculous.

george grombacher 15:59
I love it. So it’s, it’s, it’s checking in with myself and my current emotional state and say, you know, what, I’m, why am I I’m so frustrated with this, that I’m in traffic. And this sucks. And these people around me are so dumb. But I have the choice to reframe how I’m thinking about that. And that’s just an example. But I think I think that the work one is, is probably much better. And I probably, once I get in the habit of doing it that I don’t need to, it gets easier.

Jamie Lerner 16:37
Yes. It feels very powerful to choose how you want to feel and what you are going to think about yourself. Yes, I look around, there’s no other person or circumstance or anything that matters, it’s human, you’re in 100% control. Like, you’re going to be in a super boring party, and you could just sit there and like, you know, run it down How boring this or you could just in the most loving way, excuse yourself and leave. Like, wow, I should have done that, like 10 parties ago,

george grombacher 17:15
right? should have done this 20 years ago.

Jamie Lerner 17:19
We’re excusing yourself from a relationship or excuse yourself from a conversation. I mean, we have a lot of personal power, and we just don’t use it, or step into it. But when we do our life gets really amazing.

george grombacher 17:40
I get so frustrated, that I often think about it more in terms of, of, of kids, when when people are saying Well, you’re you’re like this, because this is happening to you. And it’s and that’s a function of that you’re taking away their agency. And I don’t know that I had thought about it from the perspective of a grown up that we’re taking away in our own agency. And that’s what you’re talking about is you you have to you have the ability to make these decisions and to choose and to reframe situations. And it makes it’s as powerful when you’re 60 years old, as as when you’re five years old.

Jamie Lerner 18:26
Absolutely. But society does not give us that message. So I would say turn off your television that will really help. And if you’re going to use social media, use it in a very discriminatory way. Do a lot of self sifting, selective sifting, you know, only put your attention on what feels good. Because that’s the choice to sit and soak up the negativity or to find something inspiring.

george grombacher 19:03
Inspiring stuff on social media to me.

Jamie Lerner 19:06
I have you know what I find tons of bizarre things on social media. I really do because that’s where my attention. So because that’s my intention to look forward. I see it. I see tons of that and it feels really good. And all the other stuff that people talk about on Facebook. I don’t even see like I don’t even know what they’re talking about.

george grombacher 19:30
Lots of wise wisdom. I love it. Jamie you’ve already given us a bunch people the people that ready for your difference making tip What do you have for them?

Jamie Lerner 19:41
Love yourself, trust yourself know yourself. Yeah, tune in. Because it doesn’t matter how or why you know you always know for yourself.

george grombacher 19:53
Whether that is great stuff that definitely gets come up. Come up. Love, trust and know yourself. Tune in, make the choice. Love it. Jamie, thank you so much for coming on. Where can people learn more about you? How can people engage with you?

Jamie Lerner 20:10
I have a website WWW dot j Am I E dash le AR ner calm.

george grombacher 20:18
Perfect. Well if you enjoyed this as much as I did show Jamie your appreciation and share today’s show with a friend who also appreciates good ideas go to Jamie Lerner comm it’s j A m i e, l er, and er, COMM And check out everything that Jamie is working on and sharpen your ability to make better choices and to reframe and to choose and take control. Thanks again, Jamie.

Jamie Lerner 20:48
Thank you for inviting me.

george grombacher 20:50
And until next time, keep fighting the good fight. We’re all in this together.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai